And so today was the VJC Careers, Higher Education and Scholarship Fair 2006.

They gathered the three local universities, numerous government and government-linked agencies, and education centres which handle overseas education, to set up booths in college, and promote their scholarships to us. Lessons ended at 1.20pm for all, and included a lucky draw with a top prize of an Ipod Nano to attract crowds. Within the first hour my hands were full of bags and brochures belonging to the different agencies.

I don't have many choices; 'S' Papers and myopias less than 500 degrees in either eye are minimum requirements for most scholarships. I just went round with my friends grabbing their brochures and free gifts. My haul at the end of the day included 1 handphone pouch, 1 notebook, 2 posters, 3 paper bags, 5 pens, and many, many brochures screaming why I should pick them.

Also listened to 3 talks, one by the British Council, one by IDA (which turned out to be the same presentations as the previous two times I went), and one by MINDEF (which was rather slipshod =x).

After attending the fair today, I am once again wondering if I should study at an overseas university or if I should just study at a local university. No doubt an overseas education sounds attractive, but I can only go for one if and only if I am able to get a scholarship. Without 'S' Papers (and even 4 As to start with) or "outstanding CCA records" to shout about, scholarship probability is nearly zero. Then US and UK universities require reports from my teachers, and I don't have anything good for them to write about. Just the thought of my teachers spending hours with images of me in their heads while they try to cook up something to deceive those admissions officers is enough to make me feel....weird. Its like, wasting their time.

Then there are essays to write and interviews to attend. My GP is rubbish, and I really can't talk to strangers. Group discussions where examiners try to weed out quiet ones and take in vocal ones are the worst. I will be the first to be shown the door.

So when I receive the letter to thank me for applying and wish me all the best in my future endeavours, I will then start crying my heart and soul out in my bed, regretting why I had not studied harder in my JC days and tried harder to win at competitions. After that, I will just spend the next three/four years quieting studying some computer science course, graduating without anyone noticing, then join some small company located at a corner of some office building as a boring programmer, and worked till the day I die.

Haha. Sorry you have just wasted some time reading some crap.

I'm not looking down on local universities by saying that the above would not happen if I study overseas. My point is that it is quite likely my life will end up as boring as above (please la, all that talk about me becoming some godlike boss is shit.), so I might as well not trouble the army of teachers. I can die more quietly without anyone knowing. Also I hate the sight of some invisible guardian popping out to ask me why I had not strived to get better results when I had the chance.

I'm not sure myself what I am trying to say. I'm just pouring out everything that's running across my mind now. I'm very confused.

Maybe I am typing all these because I am upset by my disappointing performace in my past 18 years of life (that can stretch into one essay) and I really hope that my future will not be as dull anymore. Maybe. Hope.

I have not taken SAT. And I will definitely fail if I should take one, and waste that 100 bucks away.

I have always ignored those announcements and reminders and deadlines about filling up online forms or attending scholarship talks or whatever. Now that it caught my attention, I don't have much time. Should I start doing them now, it will only bring the tutors shock waves that I am thinking of university now when the rest of the population have done that half a year ago, and me, an array of scoldings and sarcastic remarks for not doing it earlier.

While many people have more or less decided their future academic path, and now concentrating hard working towards that goal, I am still a wondering soul in the thick fog.